Autumn Thoughts

 

As September is creeping in,
not knowing if it wants to be cool and crisp,
or let us swelter until the very last moment,
I am also taking inventory of how I want to proceed.

One daughter out, one leaping into her life with great abandon,
empties my nest even more.
All these happenings bring lots of joy to my heart.
They also bring a little bit of fear.

My daughters, at one time or another,
because of my very unconventional marriage and life,
have worried and taken it upon themselves to be my companions.
They worry that I am lonely and unhappy.
I really don't know how they got this notion.

During their childhood, I was very much involved in finding them
playmates, playgroups, church groups, extra curricular activities.
I started homeschool groups, taught classes, and planned events for
groups and for my family.
I was never one to just stay home.
There are man,y very pleasant memories of these past twenty or so years.
My mother in law had an unkind nickname for me....
we didn't homeschool, we vanschooled!

However, I am, really, an introvert.
I am very happy to sit on a Friday night, carding and spinning wool,
or reading a book, or watching a movie.
I love spending time on my deck each morning,
talking with God, watching the birds, feeling cool breezes.
Most years I have loved to work in the garden all day!
(Until this year when my plans were thwarted with broken bones.)

I love spending time with family, friends, and in the community.
However, I also love to hibernate.
Candles, quiet music, puppies, wool.
Perfect!
I am not a great talker,  I hate talking on the phone.
Most times I am quiet.
Sometimes, while not having anything to say, I feel boring and stupid.

It would thrill me to retire to a small farm with a few sheep and goats,
an alpaca and llama or two; a few chickens.
Far away from everyone, enjoying the blessings of a quiet life.
(There would be people, friends, family, church.....just in moderation)

As I have been pondering the changing season tho,
I realize how unrealistic this is.
I may end up in South Bend, in the home I love.
Chances are that I will need to find a career to support any lifestyle.
I also know that God does not want my to be solitary.
He wants me to encourage and lift others up.
These are His gifts I have been given.

Yes, I have worked in the past, before children.
I was a secretary for many companies.....for hating the phone so much,
being a receptionist is a skill I am overqualified for!
I have been in sales...which I hate.
I even tried my hand at my own business....more selling, which I hate.
I even washed dishes and cleaned bathrooms
in a German restaurant, and was a bartender.

I am slowly beginning to look for something that pays well enough,
something that I can do physically (dumb feet),
and that has great insurance.
Something that I can use whatever gifts I have to help others.
Anything pop into your mind?
Let me know.

There may not be a door that opens, and I may be blessed with that dream one day.
I am not actively seeking employment, but if it happens, I will jump into it
as I jump into everything.
All of me!

I know that I have a great life.
I am so thankful for my hubby who has always worked so hard for his family.
I just feel the seasons changing in my life.
I don't want to look back at this time period
ten or  twenty years from now, and wish I had made some decisions.
I never wanted to be "that" woman, and it seems, somehow,
I have become her.
Time to be the woman I have always dreamed I would be.
Whoever that may be.