Yelling

I just figured out,
after a tumulus day, and only four hours of sleep,
that God is screaming at me.
I believe He has been nudging, whispering, talking,
conversing, hitting me up side the head, etc.
But now, He has decided to make it perfectly clear to me.

What He is trying to tell me, I have absolutely no idea.

My family, I, my children, my parents, people around me...
seem to be in upheaval mode.
I don't think I am handling some of it too well.

Realization all started with our Christmas plans.
Last year was a dud.
New and old boyfriends in the picture dampened things a bit.
We found out we are boring....
one boy slept through the day,
the other's feelings I just found out...tolerating.
Granted Terry was not here,
and his mother had passed away the week prior.
No gifts were bought, although we tried to do a white elephant.
Directions were unclear.
Some bought too many cheap gifts,
some bought really expensive gifts,
and some brought no gifts at all.
Joe and I bought the same gift, which was way cool!

I have grandbabies, but they are in Texas.
In my holiday household, there are very old people,
old people, middle aged people and twenty somethings.
Not a great combo.
We are finding tolerance a huge part of the plans.

Terry thought maybe a Christmas in Cumberland Falls with the girls
and their significant others would be a nice change.
And it probably would have been, if we all liked each other.

As I have come to find out,
we all spend a lot of time together,
apparently more than most people do....
and spending time together for a holiday,
doesn't seem like anything special.
sigh.

My older members are not able to travel.
This leaves the guilt feelings of leaving them with no holiday.
Do we just buck up and endure another holiday?
Do Terry and I travel to snow covered Mackinac Island
where everything shuts down totally?
Do just the four Ballards venture out?
Admittedly, even we four have struggled with
our personal relationships and changing lifestyles recently.
Are we supposed to do something for others?

Which finally brings me back around to God yelling at me.

I have been through my childhood, pretty much unscathed.
Silver spoon if you must know.
I have been through the honeymoon and child rearing stage.
I just survived empty nest...and am confident I made it.
Now.....?
Ruts ville.

No one really needs me anymore.
I will always be needed. Don't get me wrong.
But recently I have been depressed.
No motivation or drive.
Everything is monotony.
I feel taken advantage of.
I feel cynical and disappointed.

I have been trying to figure out what God's plan is for me now.
At least I tried at the beginning of the year.
Obviously nothing panned out.
At least nothing that was HIS plan.

For example:
I was challenged by the pastor to grow my ministry team.
Cooking meals for those in need...new babies, adoptions, hospital...
and sending cards of encouragement out,
is not really a social, team building kind of group.
So I invited over 35 people to my home this coming Saturday
for breakfast and team building.
No agenda.
I have three yes's, and three no's.
Kinda sounds like a stall to me.
I will be pretty upset
if thirty five folks show up with out rsvp ing...

So, I may be a bit silent for a while.
I'll still be spinning and knitting,
and visiting the kiddos at the mall with Mema on Thursdays.
Thank goodness I love my church!
I am uplifted and inspired there.

I think I just need to LISTEN.

Maybe this is just a period of waiting and uncertainty.
Maybe something is just around the corner
that I will need this time of rest to conquer.
Maybe I need to start taking advil pm on a regular basis again.
There are a lot of maybe's and should's.

I have a great life.
Better than most, and I feel blessed.
Just floundering a bit.

now.. life...today

It's raining today.
We are caught in a pinwheel of a system
that will begin to end, maybe on Wednesday.
We need it for the lawns and over dry gardens.
I needed it for some pre hibernation.

I love autumn!
Hunkering down and in.
Spinning and knitting seem more appropriate.
Settling in within.

Looking forward to brambling around the forests,
getting caught up in all the fall colors.


Green is so invigorating.
Orange, red, yellow, bronze,
are all comforting.
Time for discovering all the things
we did not have time for during the spring and summer.
Time seemed to have flown again.
I enjoy the business of outside,
activities that don't happen under the snow covered blankets.

But now I am ready for the cold.

Continuing to spin the orange/red/blue sock yarn.
Think I'll triple ply the skeins.

Loving how comfortable I am getting with core spinning
and looking forward to knitting with it.


Have many plans for sweaters, hats, mittens, socks...
but also need to spin the yarn for them.
Also need to get knitting with the yarns I already spun.

Looking forward to retreats, spiritual transformations,
growing with team members, and upcoming Living Stones babies.

I discovered today that I truly don't like to cook anymore.
I love to make meals for folks though.
Just cooking for one, and then having to clean up
is the pits for this girl.
I was remembering all the meals and planning
when the kids were young, and hubby was home.
Very domestic.
I enjoyed cookbooks and magazines and imagining tastes and textures.
Now I only cook for ministry and happenings.
I truly don't even think of food anymore,
but for coffee in the morning.
This too is a change in me I am accepting and growing with.

I am blessed.

fall promptings

Due to the seasonably cool weather,
I have gotten the spinning bug again!
Also looking through old Spin Off magazines
has inspired me to challenge myself.

Going to drum card some colors into stripes
and spin for socks.
I LOVE knitting socks!
Not only are they a dream to wear..
even though I have no feeling in my feet,
temperature either,
but the thought of toasty wool socks sounds yummy.
They are quick to knit and I believe I have found a perfect
heel pattern. I knit two at a time from the toe up.

I have some red, yellow and blues along with some natural oatmeal
that I will blend together and self stripe!
Going to get the carder out tonight.
Wahoo...wool!

Life is grand now.
Friends are plenty,
oh so proud of Hil and all her achievements,
V and I seem to be as good as we have ever been....
just no funny as heck, but inappropriate,
you left that door wide open, remarks!
Hubby is doing really well on the east coast.
Delivered some granite to the Washington Monument Sept 14.
If he could only remember not to use
the wireless when NOT in a 4G area!
Mema is back home and our Thursday outing to the mall
to watch little children playing resumes day after tomorrow!

Now, can anyone tell me where to find someone to dispose of,
a twice the size of Charlie, raccoon and a possum.
Scared the crap out of all three of us last night!
My throwing a flashlight at the coon did nothing
but allow Chuck to come back into the house.
Evening walks for a bit.

I am blessed!

Losing it!

I have been a bit off this week.
Winding down and recuperating from the
50th Anniversary party on Sunday.
Had a tiff with V over a joke,
and I was flustered.
I bought a coffee and then went to Walmart.
When I went to pay my $26 bill of
grapes, strawberries, earphones, tortillas
and nail strengthener,
I discovered I didn't have my wallet.

Told the girl I must have forgotten it in the car.
As I sometimes do after coffee,
I just put my wallet on the passenger seat.
I thought I put it in my purse.
I know I locked the car.
Didn't want anyone taking my overdue library book.

Nope.
Not in the car.
Everything out of the purse, not there either.
Back into Wally, and told the girl, never mind.
I hate that.

Went to the bank and canceled my debit card.
Called Terry and had him cancel my copy of his debit card.
Fretted about having to go to the BMV.

I love my bank.
They suggested I go to Wally and report it.
They have cameras there after all.
I was close to the building
in one of the handicapped spaces.

Off I went...drinking my now cold latte.

When I went to the door, the girl's walkie talkie was not working,
so I went to customer service.
There was my tiny turquoise wallet!
I seriously was so happy,
I wanted to jump the counter and hug the girl!

Nothing was missing!
Not the two signed checks that totaled, $59,
not the insurance card,
not my driver license or library card,
or either debit card!
And the camera card with all of the anniversary pics
was right where I left it!

There are grand people out there...even at Walmart!
Thank You Jesus for my wonderful luck!

I have transferred everything,
but the debit cards,
that I will have copies of in a week to ten days,
into a LARGE pink wallet that I cannot lose in my purse
or overlook on the passenger seat!

Truly blessed!

50th Anniversary

I have been quite busy and absent the past few weeks.
My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary
September 2, 2011.
We had a party for them last night.

Fifty guests of family and friends
spent four hours in my back yard!

We had a dj...Adam, a friend of Hilary and Joe's,
who did a smash up job of music, traveling microphones,
Mom and Dad's song, Mac the Knife,
and he helped with whatever I needed him for.
Even stayed around the fire pit into the wee hours this morning.

There was LOTS of food....let me know if you are in need of
veggies, hummus, fruit salad, sangria, or beer.
I was counting on my folks' friends to be drinking,
but apparently when you get older and are taking multiple meds,
alcohol doesn't play into the plans....

The weather forecast changed many times over the past week,
and we were blessed with absolutely no
scattered thunderstorms, as were predicted!
The mosquitoes came out with a vengeance as the last guest left.
Clean up and furniture was quickly taken care of
by my sister and her family...
which I am very grateful for, as my feet and back gave out
about this time!

My folks danced and had a blast!
Hilary was hit upon by all of the older gentlemen,
who wished they were forty years younger, and said so!
I saw friends and family I have not seen in years!
V took the most awesome photos, of which I will post later.
She also made the sangria and I think drank most of it.
I haven't seen her have so much fun in a long time!
Terry made a surprise appearance!
He has a load going to Washington DC,
and Mom had no idea who I was leading to her
when he arrived.
She looked back and forth from me to him three times
before she realized who it was!

Mema was the hit of the party.
She yodeled, danced with Daddy and Mo,
waved to all,
every time she came back to the yard after a bathroom break,
and enjoyed all the boys a little too much.
It may have been the sangria, but I could tell
she was the bell of the ball!

Every time I get together with these folks,
which is not often enough,
I find myself motivated to plan more dinners, card games,
parties, or just coffees.
Why don't I do it?
Maybe I'll start.

Feeling very blessed at 3am!

Cappuccino Martinis

Yummy concoction!
Much better than the espresso martini....
as cream was added to the cappuccino one!
You all know how I like my breve!
Even though it was $10.
Glad V paid for mine and both of hers!
I enjoyed seeing the owner dancing at the checkout
to some swinging oldies music.
Most assuredly, because lots of $10+ drink are sold
among other things.
But I have seen him worried and anxious and stressed too.
This is a nice change.
It could be that V is back with a vengeance!
Such a hard worker!

Baptism at LSC was touching.
Noticed a few folks that I was delightfully surprised to see
being baptised today.

Reading a delightful book:
The Chicken Chronicles by Mary Walker.
Yes, the author of the Color Purple.
Someday I will have a relationship
with my own family of chickens.
*Side note...the book took a funky new agey turn...
having trouble being motivated to finish it.

I was distracted by a chipmunk sitting on the arm
of my garden bench.

I have never noticed one there so contentedly chirping.
Noticed a hummingbird on the hummingbird bush....
how could it resist the delicious grape scent?

After a few more chapters,
I was warned by a blue jay.
Warned of what I did not know,
until I glanced above me.
If I had stretched my arm to it's fullest reached,
I could have grazed the belly feathers
of the hawk as it flew over me, and over the garage.

Time to come in and spin a bit more wool.
Trying to continue learning the core wrapping.

I just finished spinning some Coopworth wool
into sock yarn!

I am excited to see what it looks like knitted up.
In the process of knitting some socks
made with store bought (I KNOW, I KNOW)yarn.
I have added a panel of ribbing
fit my funky shaped feet.

I really think this is a good thing.
I also really like the heel and gusset pattern I found.
Seriously the worst part of a sock.

So Die Hard..latest one, is on the boob tube.
Makes me remember Moonlighting!
If you are too young to remember Bruce and Cybil,
check it out. I know they are at the library.
Taming of the Shrew....best episode ever!

Nighty night all.
I am truly blessed and am noticing blessings all around.

Crushed

This thought was highlighted this morning
while finishing up Embraced by the Spirit
by Charles Swindoll

"When God wants to do an impossible thing,
He takes an impossible individual...
and crushes him.

Being crushed means being reshaped-
to be a vital, compassionate,
useful instrument in His hands.

From Paul the apostle...a critical insight to learn
during any season of suffering:
that we might come to a complete end of ourselves
and learn the power of total dependence.

When Paul's own strength had ebbed away,
he found another strength.
When his own will to go on faded like that last morning star,
the sun of a new hope blazed on his horizon.
When he finally hit bottom,
Paul learned that he was in the palm of God's hand.
He could sink no lower than the Everlasting Arms."

I know that I have felt crushed, steam rolled and desperate
many times in my life.
Sometimes I was doing the crushing,
by my own stubbornness, selfishness, blindness,
sometimes others were responsible for the act.
Most times, I can look back now,
it was God reshaping me.

Every day I wake up wanting to be used by God,
as the most impossible, flawed person I know.
A lot of those days I forget to put Him first on the list.
When He does come first, the days seem to flow better,
I get more accomplished, I meet people with different eyes.

If you are being crushed now,
remember that God will work it out for the best.
Maybe not how you would plan it,
but it will be for the perfect best.

I pray that you allow yourself to be crushed.

Dusk

As the sun quietly begins its descent
on this unusually mild summer/fall day,
I sit watching all around me.
Content with the Marie Callander meal,
I just relax.

I wonder how the nuthatch that is feasting on peanuts,
keeps is pure white underbelly so clean.
I watch as the mourning doves
scatter safflower seeds from the feeders.

The butterflies are intoxicated
from the grape smells coming from the butterfly bushes
that are in full bloom.
As I was weeding this afternoon,
I disturbed a heavy bee at his work in these same bushes.
Thankfully he was too distracted
by the overpowering fruity smell.

In the oriole dishes, where I places new grape jelly,
bees, wasps and ants have begun to hover around and drink their fill.
Why have orioles chosen to nibble on my not quite ripe tomatoes?

I hear the buzz of a fly as he sips
from the last drops of wine in my glass.
I am too feeling a slight airiness from this sweet drink.

I get a tiny glimpse of a waving spiderweb on the shepherds hook.
When the sun's light strikes just right,
I am able to see an invisible spider throw out his evening web,
as a fly fisherman casts his line into the morning river.
Luck and skill are required for any catch from either.

The Lord provides to all,
but especially to those of us who are hurting or troubled.
He hates to see our suffering.
His answer is not always to heal,
He only wants us to know that He is right next to us
and shouldering the brunt.

I am grateful for all of God's blessings this evening.
Blessed that I can notice His small miracles
and thank Him for them.

Time to come into the sanctuary of home,
because I do not want to be
the evening meal for the mosquitoes.

What's a family to do?

What a day this has been.
Too much for one day, I'll let you in on that.
Hopefully this will spur you and your family
to have a discussion, or six,
that our family did not have until too late.

Mema is 88 years old.
She is suffering from dementia,
but still is a lively, lovely lady.
She is not able to take care of herself, by her self.

When my mother fell twice in two months,
Mema went to stay with her youngest daughter
who lives in Florida.
Oh this would be perfect!
The winter in Florida!
Until there was talk of her staying there forever.

My aunt had not seen my grandmother for two years.
She only talked with her on the phone weekly.
She didn't realize how much care my grandmother needed.
Her husband is having a hard time adjusting.
My aunt works all the time,
and so Mema is left alone most of the day,
while my uncle works in the yard.

My sister and I didn't feel that my folks are healthy enough
to take care of Mema.
What if Mom fell again, or Daddy got sick?
Living with me is not what my parents want for me or Mema.

So the question is: Where will Mema be the most happy?
Do we find a nice senior living/nursing home?
There are usually waiting lists,
and we have all heard the horror stories.
And if we do find one,
does she stay in Florida until she can move in?

If she comes home before moving, to my parents home,
do the girls and I schedule weekly visits and trips
so as to be ready to follow through with these plans
when she does move into a senior home?
It seems like a lot of hard work.
I hate to take time away from my girl's busy lives.
I guess my folks feel the same way about me caring for Mema.

Is a senior living even the best place for her?
Should she stay with my folks
until something happens that she cannot?
How will we know when that time is?

We all love her so much.
It just seems like there are so many selfish mindsets to work through.
Why dan't it be simple?

Why didn't we all talk when were were all together?
Mema has kids in Florida, Nevada, Louisiana and Indiana.
They are all getting older.

Hilary has sworn off kids fore this reason:
She doesn't want her children
to have to go through this when she gets older.

We have already discussed that I WILL NOT
live with either of my girls if it comes to that point.

Who knows what life throws at you though?
Things seem to turn on a dime.
Egos and baggage and hurt feelings get in the way.

Talk about it now!
While the older folks in your family can tell you what they want.
Live each day to the fullest.
You are only in charge of you and your stuff.
Figure it out in advance.

Prayers for clarity would be appreciated.

Visiting Las Vegas

From the first timer's point of view,
to this hot and exciting town,
I have a few notes on my trip:

Definitely go with the flight and hotel package.
Three nights and round trip ticket was $356

All the books say there are cocktail waitresses everywhere.
One book actually said they would bring you a drink
just as you were finishing one.
The trick was to tip $5 first then $1 each time after.

I am not a drinker at all!
I struggled for days trying to decide which beverages I would try.
I found many Blue Curacao recipes, I love Mai Tais,
and Daiquiris, and Margaritas.

However......the entire time we were in Vegas,
not one waitress brought us a drink.
Literally we could not even find,
let alone get the attention of a server.
V was lucky one time and ordered a Vodka Tonic,
but by the time she finally arrived with the drink,
it was so watered down, it was worth only $1.
She also had an orange juice, again after a long wait.
One night she bought a glass of wine at the bar
and paid $15 for it.

So my advise is to carry water or soda with you at all times.

We both were looking forward to the wonderful meals we would eat.
In fact, I went on a Slimfast diet for the week before our vacation.
I lost 7 pounds.
I lost another 2 pounds in Vegas.
Most likely the reason is all the walking we did,
and we only ate breakfast as a rule.
The one buffet we went to,
had wonderful crab legs,
but we were so tired, we didn't really enjoy the other bits.
We just didn't seem to get hungry.
Whether it be the time difference,
or the exercise, our culinary efforts were not realized.

Don't believe it:
You will NOT win anything at the slot machines.
Now I, unlike my podiatrist,
do not have $400, 500, 600 to lose gambling.
It was a struggle for me to bet $.40 a time.
The most luck I had, was playing my last penny
and one line on the slots.
I won a bonus every time that happened!
Which in turn kept me playing a few more lines!

I really enjoyed the Star Trek and Star Wars games.
The chairs were wired with sound and vibrations!
I was lucky on these, but not in the end.
I won $56 on the Sea Monkey game,
and enjoyed the Lobster Mania.
V won some money back on it.

We did not live on Nevada time.
It was nice waking up at 6:30am their time
9:30 Indiana.
All the restaurants and casinos were pretty empty.
The only time we had to be anywhere was at the airport,
and for the Cirque de Sole performance.
We did learn
that to take a nap about 5pm is a good idea.
That way, we were able to go back out on the town
after a long sight seeing day.

After 8pm the streets and casinos are packed!
Literally packed!
We didn't try any clubs,
but I would assume they are crowded as well.

My favorite part of all,
was the fountain at Bellagio.
It's the one at the end of Ocean's Eleven...
When I go back, I will take a chair and book,
plant myself on the sidewalk, under a palm tree,
and watch every water performance
from noon until midnight!

I will also try to see every Cirque De Sole act.
V and I watched with mouths wide open through the whole act.
Totally amazing what people can do......
still in awe!

We saw the Body exhibit! Complete with audio tour.
It was so amazing!
(V's feet after walking the first day!)
Yes, I looked for the tendons cut in my toes,
and the muscles that don't work well in my feet anymore.
We also looked at the gall bladder since J had his out recently.
The blood vessels are so tiny!
Truly only God could make something so intricate and amazing!
No accidents here folks!

All in all, we loved it!
We will travel again soon,
and hope to go to Vegas again with the family!
SO much to see and share!

Many, many more stories but I think I will share those later.