Sitting to heal

 I had surgery on my foot two days ago.
Charcot these past two months has been kicking my butt.
The hardest part is I can’t feel anything in my feet, so telling me to sit down and heal, when I get up and walk around and nothing feels differently, it’s really hard.
It’s a brain thing. It’s a way of thinking.
Over the past six weeks I’ve progressively gotten better at sitting down, using crutches, using a walker. But it’s still hard.
I think the hardest part is asking, needing help from others.
Running the vacuum, shoveling my sidewalk, grocery shopping.
But I must tell you that I have the most amazing friends, family, and helpers.
A dear friend took off work yesterday to come and make sure that I sat on my butt, and she waited on me hand and foot. She did my dishes, she cleaned my iron skillet and burned her finger in the process, went to four different stores grocery shopping for me, looking for wowbutter. And when she did she bought me two.  She even learned how to make me an espresso.
Another friend came over to sit and chat, to relax, and then ran the vacuum cleaner and did my laundry for me.
I can’t tell you how incredibly blessed I feel.
At the same time I feel a little helpless.
It’s not been a great two years, with mom dying, with husband disappearing for a long period, being away from my granddaughter when all I wanna do is hug her and kiss her and play with her all the time.
 Last year at Christmas time, four months after mommy died, it was sad. But it was weird, new sad. This year as Christmas approaches, I find the sadness settling in deeper. It’s a real thing now, not just a one time event. This is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life. No mommy around to make Christmas cookies with, or share opening stockings Christmas morning after monkey bread and coffee,  being a family.
It’s a weird Christmas. All the family was here Thanksgiving,  but they have other families now. And we are swapping holidays. So this Christmas it’s just me and daddy here.
We may go to the casino. I may make a turkey or we may have a buffet.
We have to figure out what our new normal is. A little emptier.

My girls are fantastic! They are fierce hard-working successful business women! And here I sit. Yes, they are fierce warriors because I raised them really well; because they are amazing woman. I have just been feeling misplaced.
I literally cannot do anything but knit. So I sit here and I knit.
And I binge watch Netflix and HBO.
My oldest took me out to a 10 course, 10th anniversary dinner at uptown kitchen last week.
I wore regular shoes,  I got dressed up for the first time in five weeks, and had an amazing time and amazing conversations with her and our table mates. I’ve never been so proud to have her on my arm. She left the next day. And that’s OK, that’s what life is right now.
She suggested I write. Just let it come out,  Babble on and be productive.
Productivity these days seems quite a ways in the future.
But here I go. This is not how life is supposed to be. This is not where I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to be doing, with no one around me.
And I say no one but I really do have excellent awesome girls and my daddy holding me up and supporting me. And in Pittsburgh, Indianapolis,  in South Bend. Thank you tribe!
So with my minimal decorations for Christmas, which is so very unusual for me,
I sit  and I knit .
I’ve wandered away from God and from prayer from studying His word these past weeks. I know He’s been blessing me, and those I love.
I just haven’t really felt like talking to him.
This makes me cry.
Struggling to find my way back, and I know that all I have to do is open the Bible.
It’s just such a big Bible. Where do I begin?
But I will begin.
Soon.

What a year it has been!

My youngest got married to a wonderful man.
My oldest had an unexpected baby girl three days before her sisters wedding in a city 1500 miles away.
My mommy decided this life here on earth was too painful and wanted to meet her Savior.
Someone broke my spirit and trust forever.
One relationship healed and is far better than I ever prayed for it to be.

Now as I sit in my cool garden, sprinkler going, all the beautiful perennials blooming, and the smell of something that died in my window air conditioner hidden by the smell of summer, I am trying to figure out where I belong.
I love my home, house, neighborhood, friends, church and history.
But my heart and mind long to be with my precious miracle granddaughter, her mom and aunt.

Circumstances are that I cannot sell my house right now.
Which is a good thing because I simply cannot part with it.
Circumstances also do not allow me, as far as I can see, to afford two households.
Why oh why can I not win the lottery?!

However, I am stagnant where I am.
I work in the yard, make improvements to my house, make and delegate meals for church family members, visit with my daddy and laugh with my best friends.
I feel incomplete.
I feel torn.
I feel sad and disoriented.
Now what?
I'm not a mother, caretaker, grandmother, wife, employee or breadwinner.
I did decide to start taking better care of myself with physical therapy and personal training.
I feel so strong, but progress is slow for this apple standing a top two toothpicks.

Travel between the two cities has its challenges as well.
My 11year old schnauzer likes to be home. Both my daughters have dogs.
Different struggles with each home.
My daddy is alone and although I know I am not responsible for his happiness, I am his only touchstone.
Scrolling through rental adds on zillow are less than encouraging.
I need to paint bedrooms, redo my kitchen and hall floors, and declutter
before I can rent my home  to Notre dame football attendees this fall.

So, I'm putting this prayer out in to His hands:
to calm my mind, make things clear, open or shut doors and give me peace where it is You want me to be, doing whatever it is You want me to do for You.
Blessed