Monday, June 19, 2017

What a year it has been!

My youngest got married to a wonderful man.
My oldest had an unexpected baby girl three days before her sisters wedding in a city 1500 miles away.
My mommy decided this life here on earth was too painful and wanted to meet her Savior.
Someone broke my spirit and trust forever.
One relationship healed and is far better than I ever prayed for it to be.

Now as I sit in my cool garden, sprinkler going, all the beautiful perennials blooming, and the smell of something that died in my window air conditioner hidden by the smell of summer, I am trying to figure out where I belong.
I love my home, house, neighborhood, friends, church and history.
But my heart and mind long to be with my precious miracle granddaughter, her mom and aunt.

Circumstances are that I cannot sell my house right now.
Which is a good thing because I simply cannot part with it.
Circumstances also do not allow me, as far as I can see, to afford two households.
Why oh why can I not win the lottery?!

However, I am stagnant where I am.
I work in the yard, make improvements to my house, make and delegate meals for church family members, visit with my daddy and laugh with my best friends.
I feel incomplete.
I feel torn.
I feel sad and disoriented.
Now what?
I'm not a mother, caretaker, grandmother, wife, employee or breadwinner.
I did decide to start taking better care of myself with physical therapy and personal training.
I feel so strong, but progress is slow for this apple standing a top two toothpicks.

Travel between the two cities has its challenges as well.
My 11year old schnauzer likes to be home. Both my daughters have dogs.
Different struggles with each home.
My daddy is alone and although I know I am not responsible for his happiness, I am his only touchstone.
Scrolling through rental adds on zillow are less than encouraging.
I need to paint bedrooms, redo my kitchen and hall floors, and declutter
before I can rent my home  to Notre dame football attendees this fall.

So, I'm putting this prayer out in to His hands:
to calm my mind, make things clear, open or shut doors and give me peace where it is You want me to be, doing whatever it is You want me to do for You.

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