Undescribable pain

What a morning I have had.
I am about to go into the privacy of my back yard,
surrounded by wind and trees and leaves,
where no one is around,
and rake, and bag up the old summer garden,
and sob from deep with myself.

If you do not have children, but plan to one day,
or your children are small,
please listen to a bit of wisdom from my experiences.
I feel that this will happen to any parent,
as it should.
It's the way of things.

When your children are small and they play sports,
softball, kickball, even T-ball,
they should win or lose.
None of this everyone wins BS.
A child must learn that life is not always going to turn out in their favor.
Life in this world hurts sometimes.
Kids are going to lose, they will get their feelings hurt,
and most kids I know, tease other kids.
It happens.
(Bullying should never happen and should be immediately delt with
in all manners possible!)

As a mom, your heart will hurt for these pains of your children.

When they get a bit older, their friends will take your place
in the life of your child.
You will be last on their list to spend time with,
Oh, they will need you and depend on you, and run to you to hold them,
but the fun stuff begins to turn from family board games on a Saturday night,
to sleepovers and dances, and just hanging out.

My best advice is to make sure you know who they are hanging out with,
know that there will be some kind of good adult presence,
let your kid know that you will be checking up on them....
even though they will hate this, and they will complain to their friends about
how over  bearing you are.
They will secretly, and unknowingly
be better off because you love them enough to do this.
(This is a lesson I learned too late!)

One day the kids will leave your home and you will be in an empty nest.
They will have significant others whom they will lean on most of the time,
they may move back home for a time,
but things will never be the same as when they were your children.
They will question every value that you have taught them.
They will go in the complete opposite direction than you have gone.
Politically, spiritually, health wise, food choices, entertainment...
you name it, they will go opposite from you.

And this is the way it must be.
I have heard, not in scripture, but that our children are only ours for a time.
We are to raise them, then release them, for they belong to God.

I agree with this. 
My daughters are their own people.
They suffer their own consequences.
I have made many mistakes while raising them.
I am still here for support and hugs,
but they make their own way in the world.
Hopefully they will turn to the Lord
as I am learning to do.
I pray that they become Godly women, who love and respect others,
and are graceful to those God puts in their path.

However, the growing part is painful.
I believe most especially for moms.
I believe it is more painful to a mom who has spent most of her life
caring for their every moment.
This is as it is supposed to be.

I am blessed with wonderful daughters who have their own minds and lives.
I pray that they learn sensitivity and follow God's path for their lives.
I pray for a personal relationship for them with Him.
I pray they feel loved and whole with Him.
Nothing else in this world is as important.
It is not religion, as the world like to corrupt,
but that one particular relationship.

So off I go into my yard, to sob.
To suffer through the growing pains of my children.
Do I love them too much?
I don't think so.
It is a hard thing to let them live their own lives.
I am learning too.
Just another part of life, no one tells you about.
This must be walked through too.
Again I say,  I yell:
I am blessed!

Four Bags Full

Today I went to my vet's farm in Lakeville IN
and he let me film and even participate in shearing of his Icelandic sheep!
Let me tell you, I was so excited I thought I was going to hurl....
better than any Christmas or holiday event that I can remember!
I could seriously now, go to meet my Maker a happy woman!
Well, besides becoming a grandma....but very close!

Dr. Rock has about 20 sheep,
way down from the 80 he had last year.
All but two are Icelandic.
The family has one cow, a few barn cats and a big old black lab named Rocky.
There are also broiler chickens, roosters and some banty hens.

Posted are two videos from YouTube...
I don't know how to edit, so unless you love sheep as much as I do,
this could be a boring video..
Fair warning.

http://youtu.be/4gBOnoZcO6U  me shearing a sheep
http://youtu.be/_CpCfPXISZw   sheep shearing
However here are some photos!

The Rock family moved here from Oregon about 7 years ago.
Both of their families raised sheep, and this is how the two of them met.
What a wonderful, warm; friendly family this is!
I brought four bags home full of wonderful fleeces to work on this winter.
I am hoping to spin some sock yarn for Mrs. Rock's sister before Christmas.
The black is from a lamb born in April and she has never been shorn before!
I can not even describe this fiber to you!
It's almost like cashmere, or very soft angora bunny!
I can hardly wait to work it up!
I am blessed!
And I really want my own flock and farm now Honey.....!

My friend Bruce

I have known Bruce almost my whole life.....

well, from high school on.

We went to the same college too....IUP  Indiana University of Pennsylvania

that is until I dropped out and moved to Texas with my family.

 

In High School, I could always count on Bruce for the best hugs anyone ever gave.

Seriously, I have never had a better hug!

He was always cheery, always sweet, always the friend you always wanted.

ALWAYS!

 

I know that after college Bruce had some difficulties, and we lost touch when I left school.

 Bruce is the one reason I love Facebook!

He and I are friends again.

He married a terrific lady, Ruth, and they have a son, Smith....

both of whom I have yet to meet, but that is on my bucket list.

 

He has written a book on alcohol recovery, "Understanding 12 Step Programs"

his web site:

http://understanding12stepprograms.com/

 

He homeschools his son.

I admire this man so much!

He truly lives Christ and in such a loving way.

He is grounded.

He is funny.

He is supportive.

This is Bruce on the left, when we were in High School.

His friend Jan is the brother of an old beau of mine.

(How many lifetimes have I lived in this one life of mine?)

 

This is the post that greeted me on Facebook this morning!

 

 

 

 

Bruce Brown Hey - its me your friend Bruce :) I have been seeing a lot of negative things on FB and wanted you to have something positive to focus on ;) You have at least one friend - ME. Here I am smiling and winking at you. Whatever problems you run into today, God cares and can help. If you see something beautiful, feel free to tell Him that you like it :) Have a great day.

 

I have shared this with all of my FB friends.

Enjoy your day!

Know that Bruce and I are on your side!

I am so glad he is on mine!

I am blessed!

 

Who's the crazy one, I ask you.

While trying to find things to do with myself,
hoping that the vet will call,
which means he is shearing sheep today
and I can come participate...
I decided to run to the grocery store.
As I was checked out and walking towards the exit,
Krogers had set up a table with cookies near by.
I was avoiding them, so I was as far to the right
near the registers as I could get.
There was an older lady on the opposite side of the table,
I believe replenishing the cookies,
as I had seen her when I entered the store.

Well, there was also a lady heading towards me, between me and the table.
I assumed she was just getting to the store and stopping for a sweet.
She banged her cart into the table.
She backed up,
and banged her cart into the other woman's cart.
Then the colorful language started flying!
"Of course everyone has to get into my (*&^(&*U%R)*&^ way today!"
I grimaced and tried to exit as quickly as I could.
I had a thought to tell her it would be ok,
but this was a fleeting thought.

As I was putting groceries into the trunk,
I noticed bad mood, putting her groceries into her trunk.
Then I noticed her heading out of the parking lot,
but her trunk was open.
As she flew by me, I decided not to mention her trunk to her.
She stopped a little ways away, got out and closed the trunk.
By this time, I was in the exit lane to her left.  I waited for her to leave,
because I was was pretty sure she would not stop
let alone look to see if anyone was coming.
And she didn't.
As she blew through the stop sign and someone was leaving from getting gas,
Grumpy laid on her horn and started giving this car the finger with both hands.
Even after she was at the light exiting Krogers, she was letting the bird fly freely.
Well, I decided I needed to follow her home, just in case there was an accident.
I followed her onto McKinley, then we turned onto Logan,
and she turned onto a side street past Jefferson.
I was asking myself what would happen if there was an accident?
What would I say let alone do?

I was about 4 car lengths behind her with no one between us.
I saw her left turn signal, then she changed her mind and turned right.
I thought maybe she had seen the Gold Granny Van and knew she was being followed.
So I passed her street and went up a block.
I was scared.
I was also searching for her on the following blocks
but she had disappeared.

My lucky day, I hoped, and thought that I was indeed crazy
for following her in the first place!

As I went home, there was an accident at my turn on McKinley and Manchester.
Cops were already there, but one car involved was in the lane as I would have turned,
and another car was going the opposite direction, but I could not get through.
I was half turned and stopped, praying crazy lady wouldn't slam into the back of me.
As I eventually made the turn, as the driver was getting back into her car,
I saw her face.
She was very upset, and looked like she was going to have a melt down
as soon as she got into her car.

"What exactly are You trying to tell me/show me Lord?"
I said a quick prayer that this young girl realized
it was only the front headlight and bumper that was damaged,
that crazy lady was home safe, taking her medication, and that she had a better evening
and that my bank teller was out of pain from her dental work, as she could not take medications
because of  other meds she was on.

I sit now, waiting patiently, again for the vet to call me.
Should I call?
If he doesn't call, is that a sign I should stay put in my safe home,
and don't use any sharp knives to cut ANYTHING?!
I'll stay away from my bone chewing squirrels, and attack sparrows too.

I am so blessed!

forward

My daughter is a writer.
I have enjoyed reading and proofing her writings for many many years.
I have so loved seeing her skills grow.
Her body of work change.
Her dreams grow and flourish.

I recognise in her, the matured version of my own dreams.
She is about to begin her life.
I haven't read her thesis yet.
She won't let me until it is completed.
She wrote about her life growing up.
Her selected memoirs.
She had shown me a few short snippets,
and they warm my heart.
I assume that she has also written some unflattering things,
but I look forward to her "take" on life.
The life she lived.
I know I was and am not perfect.
None of us are.
That may have bothered me one moment long ago.
Now I understand that people live their lives through their eyes.
I do the best I can with what I can,
and leave the rest for others to live.

I crave for my writer to create more Carl.
The lovable, sad, beautiful six toed monster that I can see.
He needs to be a children's book series,
and an adult novel.
I dream of Carl.

I love the book groups I made the girls join
at Barnes and Noble when we homeschooled.
I loved teaching creative writing
to the eight children in our homeschool group.
I loved reading the Borrowers, Trumpet of the Swan and the Goodnight Book
every night to the girls before bed.

She is my hero.
Stepping out into a new life.
Exploring and facing her fears, and dreams.
Not being afraid to be alone in a new city,
try for what she believes she can do,
and what she loves to do.

I won't tell you where to find her writings,
that is for her to divulge,
but I follow her in my blogroll.
You have to hunt a bit,
to find all the works and thoughts she is inspired to write.
There are more than one.
If you do discover her though, you will not be disappointed.
You will be as eager as I for her to succeed.
To live in her world for a time.
In her words and thoughts and future.

Fly away little sparrow, spread your wings, discover who you can be.
I have my eyes wide open and my heart as well!
I am your biggest fan!

Rainy Days and Hopscotch

I walked the dog in the rain just now.
Well, not rain,
but enough mist that I had to carry an umbrella.
A small white umbrella with multi colored polka dots.

My neighbors already think I'm nuts,
so this will add to the fire.
I only walked him now,
because I gave him a bath when we got home!

As we walked around the block,
the house that is as far away from me on the circle I can get,
the one that is always decorated seasonally,
(I used to be that house when the kids were small,
I long to do that again, and tell myself
when there are grandbabies around I will),
lives a young woman who is always sitting by the front door
in a folding lawn chair,
talking on her cell phone,
who smiles and tells me I can put Chuck's poop bag in her garbage.
She has three kids, all under highschool age.
The little girl, I would guess is ten.
She is not allowed to play with the little girl across the street
unless they play in her yard.
Mom doesn't like the parents.

I looked down at the rainy sidewalk,
and smiled at the remains of a slightly crooked hopscotch board.

For a fleeting moment, I wanted to toss a stone and play.
My feet and wise mind told me to think again.

However I began thinking of hopscotch, my elementary school,
and rain.

There was an elaborate hopscotch board
painted behind the school in the playground.

It was huge and hard.
It had at least 30 numbered squares, and we all loved playing.
We would draw a regular board near the big one,
in case it was full up that day with children faster than we were.
I have looked and tried to remember how that board was drawn,
so I could share it with my kids.
No luck.
I wonder if it is still there.
I'll have to check when I go back to Pittsburgh some day.

Thinking of that playground started my brain to whirl with memories.
I remember playing Chinese jump rope.

Remember the one with the stretchy circle of a rope that two people
put on each ankle, then the third had to jump in and on and out of the circle,
each time the rope would get higher and higher
until the sequence was messed up.

We also were very good at double jump rope, with the songs that went with them.
Do children even play these games anymore?

This brought me to remember the circle monkey bars.
Not so much the bars as one particular friend.
The taunt "Martha Lou wears Winnie the Pooh"
sticks in my head.
Poor little girl!

I would pay anyone to make a pair of Winnie the Pooh underwear in my size!
Children are so mean.
Martha Lou became a Rochette in high school though.
One of the popular teens.
Her childhood taunts didn't get in her way,
or they helped her to get where she was.
I always remember her as being very nice, even in high school.

I got my first kiss hiding from the downpour of rain
in the "castle" of the play ground.

I remember swinging as high as we could on the swings,
then daring to jump off, even though we were strictly told not to
by the playground guardian.

I took tennis lessons in the summer at my elementary school courts.
It was so hot!

I remember a cake walk at the end of the school picnic. 
I won a goldfish.
I think everyone won a goldfish.
No one would be there during the summer to take care of them,
so this was the best prize.

I remember playing farmer in the dell in a big circle of my class,
in the front of the school.

I remember playing with the parachute in the gym.
How fascinated I was sitting under that colorful fabric,
just waiting for it to float down over me.

I remember playing some kind of ball, but we had to sit on scooters.
Do you remember those scooters?
Little square pieces of wood, no more than two inches off of the floor?

I remember going to the school on the weekends with my sister
and hitting tennis balls on the wall outside of the gym.
There were no windows on that big brick expanse.
We played until all of the balls were lost on top of the flat roof.

Bob, the old crossing guard, was there until after I ended High School
Such a sweet old man.

I remember having a party for my first grade teacher who had been out sick for months.
A girlfriend, Beth Mack and I, made up a skit, using the
All in the Family Theme song.
Why we ever chose this song, I have no idea...but it was fun!

We spent hours on a sign made up with copy paper.
Welcome Back Mrs. Hoffman...each letter on a separate page,
colored with flowers, and squiggles, taped all around the room.

I loved elementary school!
I love remembering.
I hope children today are making great memories!

I am blessed!

I've been away too long...

Larkspurfunnyfarm
Farm-tales
Shopdog
unautrejoursolitaire
savylunabugg
all of these   @.blogspot.com

I seem to have been very busy doing nothing these past weeks.
Today I sat my butt down and paid bills,
scheduled things on my calendar,
and read the blogs I have not had time to read.
All the above make me happy.
I subscribe to many, but these few caught my attention.
I could spend hours living vicariously in these words written by others.
Most of whom I have never met.
Some of which I am very close.

I was feeling a bit down yesterday, and old.
I took a fall drive and so enjoyed the early changing colors.
These are the  colors you notice most.
The earliest colors.
As most everything is still a fading green,
when you see the brilliant reds and oranges  sprinkled inbetween,
you really take time to notice them!

After walking around for a couple of hours at an antique show,
my feet began hurting alot.
I go to the foot doc on Wednesday,
after getting a cortizone shot three weeks ago.
It helped a little.
Not as much as I had hoped for.
I am fearful that doc is going to want to do surgery.
Way too much going on until after the first of the year,
so my plan is to pamper my poor lil feet until then.

My slight depression happened when I realized
that I may NOT be able to someday have a small farm.
I so want a little place with a few chickens, a few sheep,
a few goats and maybe an alpaca and llama.
Somewhere to retire to, with fall colors, coolish summers,
lots of water in a stream or beach close by.
A place we build to house all the grandbabies,
that will hopefully someday come into our lives.
If not, then a place to host friends for a quiet time in nature and beauty.

It's a bitch (sorry) getting old....
I will be content wherever I am supposed to be.
Take one day at a time.
And dream a little bit of the future.
And read words of other's adventures.

I am blessed.