Yelling

I just figured out,
after a tumulus day, and only four hours of sleep,
that God is screaming at me.
I believe He has been nudging, whispering, talking,
conversing, hitting me up side the head, etc.
But now, He has decided to make it perfectly clear to me.

What He is trying to tell me, I have absolutely no idea.

My family, I, my children, my parents, people around me...
seem to be in upheaval mode.
I don't think I am handling some of it too well.

Realization all started with our Christmas plans.
Last year was a dud.
New and old boyfriends in the picture dampened things a bit.
We found out we are boring....
one boy slept through the day,
the other's feelings I just found out...tolerating.
Granted Terry was not here,
and his mother had passed away the week prior.
No gifts were bought, although we tried to do a white elephant.
Directions were unclear.
Some bought too many cheap gifts,
some bought really expensive gifts,
and some brought no gifts at all.
Joe and I bought the same gift, which was way cool!

I have grandbabies, but they are in Texas.
In my holiday household, there are very old people,
old people, middle aged people and twenty somethings.
Not a great combo.
We are finding tolerance a huge part of the plans.

Terry thought maybe a Christmas in Cumberland Falls with the girls
and their significant others would be a nice change.
And it probably would have been, if we all liked each other.

As I have come to find out,
we all spend a lot of time together,
apparently more than most people do....
and spending time together for a holiday,
doesn't seem like anything special.
sigh.

My older members are not able to travel.
This leaves the guilt feelings of leaving them with no holiday.
Do we just buck up and endure another holiday?
Do Terry and I travel to snow covered Mackinac Island
where everything shuts down totally?
Do just the four Ballards venture out?
Admittedly, even we four have struggled with
our personal relationships and changing lifestyles recently.
Are we supposed to do something for others?

Which finally brings me back around to God yelling at me.

I have been through my childhood, pretty much unscathed.
Silver spoon if you must know.
I have been through the honeymoon and child rearing stage.
I just survived empty nest...and am confident I made it.
Now.....?
Ruts ville.

No one really needs me anymore.
I will always be needed. Don't get me wrong.
But recently I have been depressed.
No motivation or drive.
Everything is monotony.
I feel taken advantage of.
I feel cynical and disappointed.

I have been trying to figure out what God's plan is for me now.
At least I tried at the beginning of the year.
Obviously nothing panned out.
At least nothing that was HIS plan.

For example:
I was challenged by the pastor to grow my ministry team.
Cooking meals for those in need...new babies, adoptions, hospital...
and sending cards of encouragement out,
is not really a social, team building kind of group.
So I invited over 35 people to my home this coming Saturday
for breakfast and team building.
No agenda.
I have three yes's, and three no's.
Kinda sounds like a stall to me.
I will be pretty upset
if thirty five folks show up with out rsvp ing...

So, I may be a bit silent for a while.
I'll still be spinning and knitting,
and visiting the kiddos at the mall with Mema on Thursdays.
Thank goodness I love my church!
I am uplifted and inspired there.

I think I just need to LISTEN.

Maybe this is just a period of waiting and uncertainty.
Maybe something is just around the corner
that I will need this time of rest to conquer.
Maybe I need to start taking advil pm on a regular basis again.
There are a lot of maybe's and should's.

I have a great life.
Better than most, and I feel blessed.
Just floundering a bit.

now.. life...today

It's raining today.
We are caught in a pinwheel of a system
that will begin to end, maybe on Wednesday.
We need it for the lawns and over dry gardens.
I needed it for some pre hibernation.

I love autumn!
Hunkering down and in.
Spinning and knitting seem more appropriate.
Settling in within.

Looking forward to brambling around the forests,
getting caught up in all the fall colors.


Green is so invigorating.
Orange, red, yellow, bronze,
are all comforting.
Time for discovering all the things
we did not have time for during the spring and summer.
Time seemed to have flown again.
I enjoy the business of outside,
activities that don't happen under the snow covered blankets.

But now I am ready for the cold.

Continuing to spin the orange/red/blue sock yarn.
Think I'll triple ply the skeins.

Loving how comfortable I am getting with core spinning
and looking forward to knitting with it.


Have many plans for sweaters, hats, mittens, socks...
but also need to spin the yarn for them.
Also need to get knitting with the yarns I already spun.

Looking forward to retreats, spiritual transformations,
growing with team members, and upcoming Living Stones babies.

I discovered today that I truly don't like to cook anymore.
I love to make meals for folks though.
Just cooking for one, and then having to clean up
is the pits for this girl.
I was remembering all the meals and planning
when the kids were young, and hubby was home.
Very domestic.
I enjoyed cookbooks and magazines and imagining tastes and textures.
Now I only cook for ministry and happenings.
I truly don't even think of food anymore,
but for coffee in the morning.
This too is a change in me I am accepting and growing with.

I am blessed.

fall promptings

Due to the seasonably cool weather,
I have gotten the spinning bug again!
Also looking through old Spin Off magazines
has inspired me to challenge myself.

Going to drum card some colors into stripes
and spin for socks.
I LOVE knitting socks!
Not only are they a dream to wear..
even though I have no feeling in my feet,
temperature either,
but the thought of toasty wool socks sounds yummy.
They are quick to knit and I believe I have found a perfect
heel pattern. I knit two at a time from the toe up.

I have some red, yellow and blues along with some natural oatmeal
that I will blend together and self stripe!
Going to get the carder out tonight.
Wahoo...wool!

Life is grand now.
Friends are plenty,
oh so proud of Hil and all her achievements,
V and I seem to be as good as we have ever been....
just no funny as heck, but inappropriate,
you left that door wide open, remarks!
Hubby is doing really well on the east coast.
Delivered some granite to the Washington Monument Sept 14.
If he could only remember not to use
the wireless when NOT in a 4G area!
Mema is back home and our Thursday outing to the mall
to watch little children playing resumes day after tomorrow!

Now, can anyone tell me where to find someone to dispose of,
a twice the size of Charlie, raccoon and a possum.
Scared the crap out of all three of us last night!
My throwing a flashlight at the coon did nothing
but allow Chuck to come back into the house.
Evening walks for a bit.

I am blessed!

Losing it!

I have been a bit off this week.
Winding down and recuperating from the
50th Anniversary party on Sunday.
Had a tiff with V over a joke,
and I was flustered.
I bought a coffee and then went to Walmart.
When I went to pay my $26 bill of
grapes, strawberries, earphones, tortillas
and nail strengthener,
I discovered I didn't have my wallet.

Told the girl I must have forgotten it in the car.
As I sometimes do after coffee,
I just put my wallet on the passenger seat.
I thought I put it in my purse.
I know I locked the car.
Didn't want anyone taking my overdue library book.

Nope.
Not in the car.
Everything out of the purse, not there either.
Back into Wally, and told the girl, never mind.
I hate that.

Went to the bank and canceled my debit card.
Called Terry and had him cancel my copy of his debit card.
Fretted about having to go to the BMV.

I love my bank.
They suggested I go to Wally and report it.
They have cameras there after all.
I was close to the building
in one of the handicapped spaces.

Off I went...drinking my now cold latte.

When I went to the door, the girl's walkie talkie was not working,
so I went to customer service.
There was my tiny turquoise wallet!
I seriously was so happy,
I wanted to jump the counter and hug the girl!

Nothing was missing!
Not the two signed checks that totaled, $59,
not the insurance card,
not my driver license or library card,
or either debit card!
And the camera card with all of the anniversary pics
was right where I left it!

There are grand people out there...even at Walmart!
Thank You Jesus for my wonderful luck!

I have transferred everything,
but the debit cards,
that I will have copies of in a week to ten days,
into a LARGE pink wallet that I cannot lose in my purse
or overlook on the passenger seat!

Truly blessed!

50th Anniversary

I have been quite busy and absent the past few weeks.
My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary
September 2, 2011.
We had a party for them last night.

Fifty guests of family and friends
spent four hours in my back yard!

We had a dj...Adam, a friend of Hilary and Joe's,
who did a smash up job of music, traveling microphones,
Mom and Dad's song, Mac the Knife,
and he helped with whatever I needed him for.
Even stayed around the fire pit into the wee hours this morning.

There was LOTS of food....let me know if you are in need of
veggies, hummus, fruit salad, sangria, or beer.
I was counting on my folks' friends to be drinking,
but apparently when you get older and are taking multiple meds,
alcohol doesn't play into the plans....

The weather forecast changed many times over the past week,
and we were blessed with absolutely no
scattered thunderstorms, as were predicted!
The mosquitoes came out with a vengeance as the last guest left.
Clean up and furniture was quickly taken care of
by my sister and her family...
which I am very grateful for, as my feet and back gave out
about this time!

My folks danced and had a blast!
Hilary was hit upon by all of the older gentlemen,
who wished they were forty years younger, and said so!
I saw friends and family I have not seen in years!
V took the most awesome photos, of which I will post later.
She also made the sangria and I think drank most of it.
I haven't seen her have so much fun in a long time!
Terry made a surprise appearance!
He has a load going to Washington DC,
and Mom had no idea who I was leading to her
when he arrived.
She looked back and forth from me to him three times
before she realized who it was!

Mema was the hit of the party.
She yodeled, danced with Daddy and Mo,
waved to all,
every time she came back to the yard after a bathroom break,
and enjoyed all the boys a little too much.
It may have been the sangria, but I could tell
she was the bell of the ball!

Every time I get together with these folks,
which is not often enough,
I find myself motivated to plan more dinners, card games,
parties, or just coffees.
Why don't I do it?
Maybe I'll start.

Feeling very blessed at 3am!