Yelling

I just figured out,
after a tumulus day, and only four hours of sleep,
that God is screaming at me.
I believe He has been nudging, whispering, talking,
conversing, hitting me up side the head, etc.
But now, He has decided to make it perfectly clear to me.

What He is trying to tell me, I have absolutely no idea.

My family, I, my children, my parents, people around me...
seem to be in upheaval mode.
I don't think I am handling some of it too well.

Realization all started with our Christmas plans.
Last year was a dud.
New and old boyfriends in the picture dampened things a bit.
We found out we are boring....
one boy slept through the day,
the other's feelings I just found out...tolerating.
Granted Terry was not here,
and his mother had passed away the week prior.
No gifts were bought, although we tried to do a white elephant.
Directions were unclear.
Some bought too many cheap gifts,
some bought really expensive gifts,
and some brought no gifts at all.
Joe and I bought the same gift, which was way cool!

I have grandbabies, but they are in Texas.
In my holiday household, there are very old people,
old people, middle aged people and twenty somethings.
Not a great combo.
We are finding tolerance a huge part of the plans.

Terry thought maybe a Christmas in Cumberland Falls with the girls
and their significant others would be a nice change.
And it probably would have been, if we all liked each other.

As I have come to find out,
we all spend a lot of time together,
apparently more than most people do....
and spending time together for a holiday,
doesn't seem like anything special.
sigh.

My older members are not able to travel.
This leaves the guilt feelings of leaving them with no holiday.
Do we just buck up and endure another holiday?
Do Terry and I travel to snow covered Mackinac Island
where everything shuts down totally?
Do just the four Ballards venture out?
Admittedly, even we four have struggled with
our personal relationships and changing lifestyles recently.
Are we supposed to do something for others?

Which finally brings me back around to God yelling at me.

I have been through my childhood, pretty much unscathed.
Silver spoon if you must know.
I have been through the honeymoon and child rearing stage.
I just survived empty nest...and am confident I made it.
Now.....?
Ruts ville.

No one really needs me anymore.
I will always be needed. Don't get me wrong.
But recently I have been depressed.
No motivation or drive.
Everything is monotony.
I feel taken advantage of.
I feel cynical and disappointed.

I have been trying to figure out what God's plan is for me now.
At least I tried at the beginning of the year.
Obviously nothing panned out.
At least nothing that was HIS plan.

For example:
I was challenged by the pastor to grow my ministry team.
Cooking meals for those in need...new babies, adoptions, hospital...
and sending cards of encouragement out,
is not really a social, team building kind of group.
So I invited over 35 people to my home this coming Saturday
for breakfast and team building.
No agenda.
I have three yes's, and three no's.
Kinda sounds like a stall to me.
I will be pretty upset
if thirty five folks show up with out rsvp ing...

So, I may be a bit silent for a while.
I'll still be spinning and knitting,
and visiting the kiddos at the mall with Mema on Thursdays.
Thank goodness I love my church!
I am uplifted and inspired there.

I think I just need to LISTEN.

Maybe this is just a period of waiting and uncertainty.
Maybe something is just around the corner
that I will need this time of rest to conquer.
Maybe I need to start taking advil pm on a regular basis again.
There are a lot of maybe's and should's.

I have a great life.
Better than most, and I feel blessed.
Just floundering a bit.